When I approach my wife in any way, she tells me to get away from her. She even tells me I am bugging her when I try to kiss her.
This inability to admit that anything she has done might be wrong is often the death knell for her relationships with others. After all, being able to apologize to those we are closely connected to is a crucial relationship skill.
Without it we find ourselves unable to make amends for our bad moods, misinterpretations, our defenses or our frustrations. In this blog post we are going to take a look at what is really behind this painful behavior pattern in women with traits of BPD.
Once you understand the true motivation behind her withholding of an apology you will understand why the many attempts you may have made to get this woman to apologize were guaranteed to fail. In order for us to truly understand her motives we must first look at why her inability to apologize is so incredibly hurtful to us.
Why It Hurts So Much Many of us may think we know the reason that those who cause us pain or harm should apologize. But few of us really understand what is behind this commonly-used formality. When we take a very close look at our need for others to apologize to us, we soon realize that most of the time we already know that the person we want an apology from cares about us.
The answer to the question of why we need the formality of an apology lies in an all too human character trait that most of us share but few of us are aware of. The truth is, we are all very, very socially insecure even if we have strong self confidence. In other words, even people who have sound self esteem will care too much about what their peers may think about them.
This fear of being isolated from the pack may have helped us a great deal in days of old, but it becomes problematic in our present-day society, sometimes causing us to behave in very unhealthy ways. Because we all share it, it feels so normal that it becomes in a sense invisible.
But if we look very carefully at our behavior, we will find that as a society we have come up with many formalities which when practiced in our everyday lives keep our natural insecurities at bay. Apologies are one of these formalities we engage in that are perfectly designed to calm our fears about others rejecting or having negative motives towards us.
When we take a moment to reflect on our own behavior we find that there are many times in our daily life when we feel obligated to use the formality of an apology. And we use them even when we know we have done nothing wrong.
This is what we might call a built-in fear. This feeling of being threatened is another aspect of our natural insecurity. Because of our need to occasionally violate this invisible boundary, we have come up with a way to reassure each other that we mean no harm when we get too close for comfort.
When we closely examine our need for an apology from those we interact with, we find that our emotional pain is most often caused more by our insecurity as opposed to our actual belief that the person we want an apology from has actually harmed us in some way.
In other words, for most of us an apology could more accurately be categorized as an act of reassurance rather than an actual healing of our emotional injury.
The reason it hurts so much to be denied an apology is because it triggers our own insecurities that make us fear another will reject, abandon or harm us. Because we are insecure around our social connections to others, the withholding of an apology can feel very threatening to our relationships.
If you are beginning to make this connection, you are well on your way to understanding the dynamic of BPD behavior.
Now that you have a little more clarity on why it hurts so much not to get an apology, we can turn our focus to the reason women with traits of BPD refuse to apologize for obvious wrongdoing. The answer to this question lies in a combination of character traits that cause her to act out with those she is close to.This is the power of mind mapping: plotting out a framework on which to hang your thoughts.
Just like the power of tidying and decluttering your house, mind mapping feels incredibly satisfying and freeing.
Dear Doctor Life Advice, It has been over three years since my wife and I have made love, actually there is no intimacy at all.
When I approach my wife in any way, she tells me to get away from her. The below one was an eye opener. Original source at 5 Things People Regret Most On Their Deathbed. There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps.
A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. Dear Sisters, Thank you so much for writing this response to the inexcusably insensitive “update” that ASIJ Admin sent out last week.
As an ASIJ alumna, I’m ashamed by the way our school threw the blame on you for making completely reasonable demands to their investigation process. Lori Jun 30 am Just finished watching this drama. This was a wonderfully written drama.
It's the best family drama I've seen. I watched every episode and for a . Joe, So my knee-jerk reaction is “Ewwe-Yech-Arghhh”. And then,..”Done often enough, this approach can totally destroy high school”. Let me introduce myself: For the past three years, I have worked to give ALL students the options your daughter has.